Donkey Quest

"I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been filled."
                  Donkey to Puss-in-Boots Shrek 2

One of the best parts of visiting a new place is seeing fun and unique signs.  On Highway 19 on the Island of Hawaii is this sign:

Upon seeing this sign, one would assume that there are.....donkeys crossing the highway during the dawn and twilight hours.  Yet not once have I seen a donkey bounding across the road at either dawn or dusk. Or any other time of day for that matter.  Are the donkeys unaware of their appointed crossing time?  Did they not get the memo? Who's job is it to confirm that the donkeys are on board with the process?  Someone dropped the ball.  Then I opened the insert of the North Hawaii News and there was the headline screaming out "Donkeys still hot topic in Waikoloa Village".  Such a riveting headline compelled me to read the article.  What is going on with the donkeys in Waikoloa Village?  Did they find out their appointed crossing was about 15 miles away? Or was the dawn/dusk restriction upsetting them? Was there donkey rioting in the streets except at dawn and dusk?  Turns out the problem is that Waikoloa Village is INFESTED with donkeys. SIX HUNDRED DONKEYS!! And not just any donkeys.  These are KILLER DONKEYS!!  Yes people, the city of Waikoloa Village is over run with SIX HUNDRED KILLER DONKEYS!!  The article even listed Donkey Do's and Don'ts. Amoung the Do's?  Be tolerant of neighbors' dogs barking when donkeys are close to home. Who's home? Yours? Theirs? If the donkeys were close to their home, would your neighbors' dog be barking?  Is the donkey your neighbor? If you call in a complaint about neighborhood dogs barking, are you required to confirm to the animal control officer that you checked for donkey presence first? "Ma'am, did you check for a donkey before calling us? No? Well, I'm sorry.  It's perfectly okay for your neighbor's dog to annoy the crap out of you by barking incessantly if there is a donkey close by."  On the list of Don'ts was: Don't approach a donkey because they will attack you.  Note from the Editor: Good people of Waikoloa Village, please remember that approaching ANY unknown animal either wild or domesticated is a BAD idea.  Remember the Ten Commandments?  The one about not coveting thy neighbors ass? Well, don't touch your neighbor's ass either. I don't care how nice that ass looks or how friendly it's acting, it's not your ass so keep your hands off or you will likely get a major ass kicking. Feel free to pat your own ass as much as you like.  And your dog?  The one running loose barking at the donkeys?  Got two words for you: Leash Law. If you keep your dog leashed or confined to your house or yard, you will not have to worry about a donkey going all Shrek on your dog's ass. Problem solved. 

Another Don't was Don't Shoot.  Donkeys aren't on the list of animals I feel that it might be necessary to shoot at if I encounter one. Even wild ones. But these are killer donkeys so maybe things are a bit tense in the village.  After all: guns don't kill people, donkeys do. Of course, I had to go look. So off to Waikoloa Village I went.  Searching for KILLER DONKEYS!! Cool!! 


There were signs all over like this:

Teaser Sign leading you to believe there are donkeys close by

I was so excited cuz it meant I was getting close!!  Soon I would see killer donkeys!  Must be around the next bend. Or the next. Wait, there's another donkey sign!  Oooooo, donkeys for the next four miles!  This is it!  For sure I'll see killer donkeys soon!  I looked to the left:

Seems like good donkey territory to me

But there were no donkeys there.  I looked to the right:

No donkeys here

Nary a donkey to be seen.  Six hundred killer donkeys running rampant through Waikoloa Village and yet there is no sign of them anywhere.  I saw neither hide nor hair of donkey, killer or otherwise. Not a single hoof print.  Not one pile of donkey dookey. Seriously, six hundred donkeys and nary a pile of poo anywhere?  Right.  At the end of my trek I concluded that there are no donkeys anywhere on that island. It had to be a hoax. You can't hide six hundred donkeys killer or otherwise.  Interestingly enough, I didn't see a single dog in Waikoloa Village either. Donkeys must have killed them all before they vanished into the sunset.  At dawn.