Perfect Hell

If you are going through hell, keep going.  --Winston Churchill

You may all go to Hell and I will go to Texas. --Davy Crockett

Dear Davy: There's a difference between the two? --Me

{I started this blog posting on my way from Carlsbad to San Antonio.  Forgot about it until today when I finally have internet access again after over a week without.}

Years ago I bought a computer game called Heaven and Hell.  The object of the game was to create the perfect Heaven and perfect Hell according to what the respective denizens of each preferred.  I never got the hang of Heaven but I had a pretty outstanding Hell going on.  I had created the Perfect Hell for my demons and they were thriving.  (I'm sure there are several of you who are not the least bit surprised that I excelled at this particular part of the game.) I also like to devise Hell for people I know.  That isn't as easy as you think.  What constitutes Heaven or Hell isn't the same for everyone.  You have to really get to know someone to know what would be their Perfect Hell.   I thought I knew Hell until I spent a week driving across the State of Texas this morning.  There is nothing that can prepare you for how incredibly vast and mind numbingly boring the drive through Texas is.  Mile after mile of empty nothingness.  This is the Universal Perfect Hell: driving across the State of Texas.  Forget the amatures at Guantanamo Bay. You wanna know where Bin Laden is?  Put those prisoners in a beater Toyota Celica with no AC, windows stick, there's a spring poking them in the rear end, a backseat driving wife and two fighting kids and a howling, smelly dog in the back seat.  It's 105 degrees outside and they have to drive Highway 10 end to end at 55 mph BEHIND a truck full of chickens.  If by some chance they aren't ready to give up his location at the end of the day, just whisper: "tomorrow, the kids will be puking their guts out, the dog will have gas and your wife will have PMS and you get to do this drive AGAIN."  That'll break 'em.

Can you imagine what this must have been like for the early settlers who had to cross it in covered wagons making an average speed of 10 miles per DAY?  Remember the Alamo?  Here's how the conversations in each camp really went:

Inside Santa Anna's camp:  Okay Amigos, we just marched across that god forsaken DESERT and found the only pretty spot in the entire state.  Look around, isn't this nice? Pretty little mission, nice river, trees.  Only problem is that mission is infested with gringos.  We need to eliminate them all.  If we win, we get to spend tomorrow night drinking beer by that lovely river.  If we lose, we have to march BACK...ACROSS....THAT!  So everyone bring their A game tomorrow otherwise I'm gonna make you walk home!

Inside the Alamo: We have got one heck of a problem here folks.  Santa Anna is camped outside with the entire Mexican Army.  We are outnumbered 40 to 1.  We have two choices: a) we can pack up and leave or b) we can fight to the death.  There's nothing for us back East so if we go with option A, we have to march across....THAT.  Do you know what is west of THAT?  New Mexico and Arizona.  Not an improvement.  Show of hands for option A?  B?  Okay, it's unanimous. We die. 

Yeah, the Alamo wasn't so much about keeping Texas but about not having to be the ones who had to leave the nicest area around.  We say Remember the Alamo.  The Mexicans say Guess who got stuck with Texas!  Maybe if we ask nice they will take it back. 



No, we aren't there yet so quit crying, wipe the snot off your face, put your big girl panties on, get in that car and DRIVE!!

After what seemed like eternity, I did finally reach San Antonio which is a gorgeous city and worth going to.  Of course, I did have to get OUT of Texas still.....

Me with my little brother, his wife and two sons. Notice the identical "we are thrilled to be having our picture taken" smiles!